I managed to figure out a way to get the blog up and running in a way that isn't cumbersome to view or access. I've never studied UX, but I hope that a doctorate in the field would be happy with the resolution I achieved. I just copied the Javascript from the index page that lets me load other pages within another page, seems to have worked well. Working on this entire website has been a blast, I've been learning a bit of HTML and CSS from tutorials and friends (Thanks for suffering through my questions G0jo) to get the website to where I want it. It still has a long way to go, the next goal is to build a custom MP3 player that fits with the rest of the aesthetic, but I'm enjoying the experience. There's something very cool and warming about creating your own website for the sake of it, not for a motive that involves other people but to create.
I've been watching the movie 'Demolition' (Released in 2015) a lot in the past month, I think it's over 50 times at the time of writing. I'll watch the movie and then instantly restart it as soon as the credits roll, moving right back to the first scene. I've been through a really troubling 4 weeks, probably the worst of my life, and I've found myself naturally attracted to the catharsis the movie offers. There's an aura that the movie radiates through it's script and performance that causes me to become addicted to the subtle relief it offers.
Written by Bryan Sipe and directed by Jean-Marc Vallee, the movie stars Jake Gyllenhall as the protagonist named Davis Mitchell as he deals with the loss of his wife through unconventional means, tearing apart his own life and marriage to build himself back up and discover the internal struggles he was so blind to during their marriage. It's a tale of self-discovery, loss and abnormal ways of grieving. I'm the most attracted to the latter I think, the unusual way he grieves and discovers himself. As a warning, I'll be entering spoiler territory as I talk about the movie.
Davis Mitchell appears like a psychopath on the surface, emotionless to his wife's death and appearing to not grieve at all. He knows it's unusual for him to not feel anything, to be numb and to not sob like his wife's parents and even his own parents, and the story revolves around him deconstructing his life to figure out why he feels nothing. There's a specific scene involving this unusual emotionless where he tries to force himself to cry at the funeral to no avail, instead standing in the mirror frustrated that he feels nothing. This theme is prevalent throughout the movie, the absence of emotion in the face of trauma and the self-reflection that comes alongside it. Regardless of this, he grieves in his own way via destruction. He becomes obssessed with the internals of machinery, deconstructing them to figure out how they function and work, this goes as far as him tearing down his entire house (Destroying his marriage, he calls it). His obsession comes from the inability to understand the internals of himself, confused and frustrated why he doesn't feel what he's meant to feel.
I think his emotionless in the face of trauma is what made me so enthralled by the movie. As of right now, I'm grieving two things, a current loss and a past loss. I think I wish I was like him in a way, unable to feel anything in relation to the grief and letting the day carry me. I'd rather feel numb than feel what I feel right now. Grieving two things at once is tough, but each day gets easier. But to see Davis experience a heavy loss and not feel anything, it makes me envious. I think I'm living through him when I watch the movie, envisioning myself in his empty shoes. But by the end of the movie, he discovers the feeling, he grieves in the stereotypical way. He realizes that he did love his wife and he misses her, his life during their marriage was almost like an outer-body experience. He wasn't living, he was letting the days pass him and becoming a faceless entity. This discovery comes from deconstructing himself and reconnecting with other people.
Davis befriends a custom service representative for a vending machine company, the two get in contact after he's unable to get a packet of M&Ms from a vending machine in the hospital. He sends the company letters that ooze vulnerability as he talks about the loss of his wife and his inability to feel anything, sometimes marking other thoughts related to the numbness. Through this connection, the two become friends and Davis learns how to live with her help, going by Karen. It should be stated that the two don't do anything sexual, however the original script details the two having sex and becoming physically intimate. I'm glad that the movie changed that part of the script, having the focus be on his reconnection with the world. The more time they spend together, the more he starts to feel the loss of his wife and understand his plight. There's a vulnerability he shows with Karen, it gives me a subtle vibe of a mother son bond in some instances. Regardless, through this reconnection he discovers the world outside of his own head. It's connecting with people that allows him to feel. It feels similar to my experience. Not so much learning to feel through connecting with people, but learning to grieve properly through connections. The times have been hard but the people make it easier.
Demolition is a cathartic movie for me, I don't watch many movies but this one caught me. It's addicting in its portrayal of grief and the numbness people can feel through loss, the movie has helped me grieve the most recent loss I've experienced. The loss in question has been immense, I don't think I've ever wept for so long with the sadness of losing a connection so deep and perfect. Nowadays I'm doing better, the tears are few and far between, but the hurt is still there. Seeing the development of his character, going from a frustrated husk to a tearful husband, is always relieving to my head. While the movie didn't sell well or get rated well, it holds five stars in my head. I think it's a movie designed to be watched at a certain period in your life. I'm glad I found it, the relief it's brought has been immense. I highly recommend setting time aside to watch the movie in full.
That's it for my ramblings. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading and go watch the movie :)
